iputyouontheshelf

a box recieved today
and placed in my hands,
much heavier than i thought should be
what gift is this?
what unexpected gift
i throw my head back and laugh
though the label doesn't seem
to make much sense to me

the weight of this parcel-
i think
i will not open it
i will stow it
beneath bills i don't intend to pay
or pictures drawn and left

this is the most disappointing shrine
i think
and i bet you never thought to be reduced
to ashes, in a box,
that i will never open.

giving up is easy to do

it's a curious feeling, being assured something is finite
when i am already painfully aware that everything is.
(it's all a matter of bowing out)
and as far as i can tell, you're as destructive as me.
i'm reckless with my body and occasionally, my heart.
the latter is dangerous, you know this.
we are precariously perched at the border of something magnificent.
however, we will only step back.
or only i will step back and i will leave you there.
because leaving is easy and distractions are everywhere.
a lovely boy with a crush and a love of my whimsical ways
awaits, somewhere, always.

hah.

funeral home
funeral home
going to the funeral home
got me a coffin shiney and black
i'm going to the funeral
and i'm never coming back

-dj

go slow

all my greatest fears have come to pass. the ultimate abandonment, that shock of actual heartache.
-there is no remedy for, it will always hurt exactly the same.
and in the wake of this sadness i find my cage sufficiently rattled.
like the mouse in the maze treated to negative re enforcement.
my stomach is eating itself with anticipation of the next disaster.
i dare not even explore those dark crevices, pulsing around me begging my attention.
i stew, then i rot.
but i keep my foul wits about me.
i have stepped back far enough to know, that there is no reprieve.
there is no wave to wash over me and make me clean.
to make me how i used to be.